Book ARE real.

Has anyone ever told you, "Books aren't real life." Inside books, we can see the world. Never forget that. The stories books hold are dramatized, true, but inside each of them we are able to witness feelings, emotions, triumphs, and mistakes of characters. Characters who, throughout the course of the story, may have gone through years of their lives, endless amounts of torture or happiness. And we witness those happenings. As readers, we so often connect with a character so much that the events of the story become less important than the emotions both we and the characters take away. So, even though a character may be in a fictional, fantastic setting doing something wild and unrealistic, their emotions ring true. And understand why or how someone feels a certain way provides us empathy, a tool we then use more frequently every single day to understand the real lives around us. True, characters and their stories are fictionalized pieces of imagination created by an author, but even understanding what we're reading was written by another human gives us so much insight into the lives of his or her characters, those moral lessons, both on and off the page. Everything about books and stories and characters, from fantasy to romance, is so saturated in humanity it's impossible not to learn and grow and find a new piece, a new view of life inside each one. Unless you choose to not look, not believe in the very real magic of stories. Unless you choose to believe that something written on a page is not capable of changing lives, shaping hearts, and opening eyes. You, nonbeliever, exist. And I hope you, one day, let the magic take you as it has taken me. Because life is so much happier, richer, and more understanding on this side of the page. #AmWriting

Writing Advice

Q: Should I always follow writing advice and writing rules?

A: Absolutely not. Make your own rules. Break them. Create new ones. 

As corny as it sounds, following your heart is the best path to go down as a writer. There's so much static out there about rules and queries and things you should do and not do, but it all comes down to what you think is best. How you define success. What you want to write. What is your art.

Most of the advice out there is from amazing authors who know what they're talking about. Should you listen? Of course. They know what they're talking about. But you should also understand that no advice is right for everyone. No rules stays unbroken. A lot of advice out there is personal advice that works for that specific person - but it might not work for you. Some people forget that advice is not universal.

So, break rules.

Create new ones.

Fall a a few times and get back up.

Keep trying.

Find what works.

Find your voice.

And keep writing.

Diversity Writing Advice

Anyone can write diversity. It won't be right for everyone, but you'll get it right for some. Boys can write girls and girls can write boys. Avoid clichés, but realize there aren't single types of people no matter race, gender, or sexuality. "Cliché" is ambiguous - there will always be someone who says you're wrong. No matter, you'll get it write for someone (see what I did there?), and that someone will feel a little more right in the world. Try. 

Break The Rules

In terms of writing, I could not have said this better. I love the truth behind this quote so much. This is amazing writing and grammar advice. I used to think that the rules didn't apply at all - that a lot of writing came from just doing your own thing. And while that is true, the only way you can break the rules as a writer is to know what to break in the first place. Something I will always remember learning, back then and now daily. 

 Break writing and grammar and story rules.

 Break them often.

 Breaking them is how brilliance is crafted.

 But know what you're breaking - why and how.

I don’t like rules, especially when it comes to writing.

I don’t like rules, especially when it comes to writing. 

In a lot of ways, I write characters instead of stories. Emotions instead of plot. At first, I didn’t think like this. Not at all. The countless times I tried to start and finish novels in the past were entirely focused on plot and action and the intensity in which things happened. But then I thought this: When I finish a book, a good book, I am left with a feeling at the end. Not a memory of plot or action. For me, finishing a book is very different than starting one, and that sense of emotional appreciation found only at the end of a wonderful read is the one I write for. 

Which brings me to rules. On writing, Maggie Stiefvater wrote this: “I was ready to write the book that only I could write. Because if it was about these things that were eating at me, it would have emotional truth, and no matter how great your plot or your hook or your legend is, if you don't have the emotional hook, it's just not going to mean anything to anybody else. It might be fun. But it will also be forgettable.” 

The wonderful thing about being an author is that there are no rules to writing a novel. Rather, there are very few you should actually listen to. Though you’ll find countless pieces of advice on Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc, take it all in stride and find what works for you instead of what works for others. (Unless you’re querying. Then check some rules.) Honestly, no one knows it all. No author knows all the rules, unless they’re talking about the rules that work for them. When it comes to writing, the only rules you should ever follow are the ones that work for you. There will always be another who gets you, who loves what you love in the way of words and books. And even if it takes longer to find your way, rules and “must haves” and “should haves” and “if you don’t do it this way you fail” can only slow you down. Those types of rules don’t make things, they break things. 

 

So, I break rules. I don’t even bother with plot at the beginning. I don’t even think about it. My current WIP has a plot that has changed countless times, and it’s still not entirely worked out. My characters, however, are real to me. Alive. And I know what they do in the story will happen eventually. Plot always finds a way. When I write, I think about voice and character and background and who I want a character to be. I think a little about love, about life. What makes a character tick and breathe and love and hate. I try to write the books I can’t find, because no one else will ever be able to write those books. To write characters so vividly alive they seem to breathe, because if I don’t care about the characters, than why write it? I write emotions first, plot second. There is still story. Still action. Still intensity. But these are books about people, and that is and will always be my focus. 

That said, there are no rules. And in a lot of ways, my ideas here aren’t even about breaking the rules, but about finding ones that work for you. These are just ideas that work for me. What works for you?

Inspiration Quote

Inspiration Quote

"I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. 

I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of." - Joss Whedon

Writing is Like Taking a Photograph

Yesterday, my friend and fellow author Matthew Aaron Browning wrote a blog post discussing how, for him, Writing is Like Building a House. He talks about how his writing process is a lot like seeing the end picture and knowing how a story will end, but not knowing the details that got him there.

"I begin by outlining the major plot points of the book (the blueprints) and then write toward them, moving my characters from scene to scene, sequence to sequence and chapter to chapter in pursuit of that next plot point. With Blades of Grass, I knew where I needed these two people to end up, so I wrote until they got there."

This is also how I write. Kind of. I write the end first, then the beginning, and I finish the middle last. It's easier for me to know where I'm going, figure out where I want to begin, and find the journey connecting both last. Like Matthew, I outline major plot points and understand a lot of the major details of the story, but it's not until I'm finished with a draft when I often realize how much details are missing. I did this for Light of the Moon and the stories within Shades of the Stars.

I'm working on this story. For now, let's just call it code name Bad Ass. Because it's crazy and different and romantic and weird and sensitive and strong. And you have to be a bad ass to be all those things at once. Right? Right. Anyway, Bad Ass is about a girl and a guy. It's about a different world with very different creatures and rules. I started Bad Ass like I do many of my stories, with the end finished before the middle happened. And, of course, I wrote a kissing scene first. Because I have to. That's just how I work. As it is now, I have the first draft of Bad Ass nearly completed, but as I am reading over chapters to send to early readers, I'm realizing how many things still need to get added. Creating a new world is difficult, and it's because of details that they can seem so real. I have to figure out the story behind these two characters kissing, this end scene that is as vivid as a photograph in my mind.

"It isn’t until I reach the end of a novel that I realize I tend to gloss over the details – the internal motivations and emotions that propel my characters through these scenes. While these things are in my head, I neglect to ensure they’re getting onto the page. I build a solid foundation, put up walls, throw in some windows, maybe even slap on a little paint and a shiny new roof... The house isn’t move-in ready because it hasn’t been decorated yet."

So, to me, writing is a lot like a photograph. Like a house that needs to be filled with a story. In Bad Ass, I have taken a picture and I know how it will end and what I want it to look like, but I have to create a detailed story to accompany the end photograph. Writing is like seeing a picture of a place you've never visited before and wondering what it would be like to go there. Writing is like holding a picture of a kissing couple and wondering what happened to get them there. Writing is like seeing a burned war photograph and living the final battle of that soldier, and then imagining their life before and after. The mind creates stories for pictures, for pieces of art without words, and that's what I must do for Bad Ass. I know exactly how it must end. I can see the photograph. I just need to words that make that photograph true.





How do you write?

A Little Bit of This and That and Love

A week ago I wrote this piece for ADR3NALIN3, the other blog on post on, on what insta-love really is. I still stand by what I wrote there, but I do want to clarify a few things. 

"And while we might not see every single trial and tribulation they go through, there are very few literary couples that have everything so perfect from beginning to end. Actually, I can’t think of one. So much of the criticism surrounding insta-love is that it happens so quickly. One moment and it’s over. Love has been had. That’s it. In reality, those moments of instant connection are just the beginning of a more delicate love. There are different stages of love, each of them simple and complex at the same time. And while there are those who think literary criticism and real life opinions should stay separate, I think that, like love, nothing is so black and white. So, to call the idea of “insta-love” or “love at first sight” unrealistic would be accurate only if that was all that happened. But that’s not exactly the complete version of love, it’s the beginnings of it. A much better term for the insta-love connection we see so regularly in literature would be “insta-kind-of-love-but-really-thinking-about-becoming-love” because love, in reality and in literature, is so much more than that first connection. It’s about building upon that first connection, whether it’s a good or bad one. Through the tough times and the easy. And while it does all have to start somewhere, that moment of first sight is not where it ends. That, after all, wouldn’t be any kind of love story. Love surrounds all the great moments in life. For some of us, these moments just happen in an instant and stay around long after."

What I mean is this: The stories we read about in novels are just moments of much larger stories. Like looking at a photograph, we're only giving a moment in time. So, perhaps we're looking at the moment in which love happens. Perhaps not. Either way, I think it's important to realize that even though love or something like it may happen within the first few pages of a story, that certainly doesn't mean it's the end. Or even the beginning. There are all different kinds of love, but not one that ends as quickly as it begins. A first connection should not define a story. Rather, it should enhance the urgency we often read about in literature that is so often missed in real life. 

So, fall in love. 

Take risks. 

Live in the moment.  

Love surrounds all the great moments in life.

ALSO REMEMBER THAT THE SHADES OF THE STARS COVER REVEAL TOUR IS NEXT WEEK! SO CHECK BACK ON MONDAY FOR THE COMPLETE LIST OF BLOGS!

Secret Project

Without words, this is my Secret Project:

Any guesses?

A Secret Beneath LIGHT OF THE MOON

Throughout LIGHT OF THE MOON, I've hidden secrets. You'll see these more in the paperback version because it has exclusive fonts and extras. For instance, during a scene between Calum and Kate in the middle of the book, Kate thinks this:

"Still, the spider spun lie after lie between us:

                                                              You and I are more than this.

                                   I know what you are.

                                                                     I believe everything will be okay.

                                                       It is safe here.

                                   Everything will be better in time.

                                 I don't want to be with you or against you.

                                                               I am happy alone.

                                                      I am me.

                                          I am not afraid of endings."

In LIGHT OF THE MOON I explore different forms of writing styles. I strikethrough words a character thinks to give emphasis to their thoughts. Like you see above (if Blogger didn't mess up the screen), I use structure to play with words until they mean three things at once. If you look below the surface of the quote above, you'll find this:

You are safe with me.

I believe in happy endings.

This section of the novel explores the conflicting ideas between what Kate wants and what she needs. Even she may not not right away what is best for her, even though she thinks she does. And, really, isn't that true for all of us? Sometimes we need people to help us understand what we truly want. For Kate, that person is Calum.

LIGHT OF THE MOON IS OUT NOW!

Paperback edition includes exclusive extras.

AmazonUS (paperback/Kindle)

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Inspiration for Writing

Music inspires me.

Reading inspires me.

I write better when it rains.

I'm more thoughtful when it storms.

One thing that truly sat with me throughout the entire time I wrote LIGHT OF THE MOON was T.S. Eliot's poem The Waste Land. I had a class on Eliot in college in which we read TWL and discussed it until we were blue in the face, but I never focused on it the way I did while writing my story. It begins:

"April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain."

I was captivated not only by the meaning of the words Eliot used, but by the way they are woven together. I love their melody. I love the way Eliot created something that can be looked at many different ways and discussed forever. A true poem should not have one meaning, but thousands.

I love this reading done by Fiona Shaw (aka the woman who played Mrs. Dursley in the Harry Potter films). She reads a snippet of Eliot's The Waste Land, and it's actually this snippet that first caught my attention. If you've read LIGHT OF THE MOON, you'll recognize that the city of Ashfall reflects much of what Shaw reads here:

Check out the city of Ashfall in LIGHT OF THE MOON

and read all about Kate and Calum as they journey

through their own dangerous and magical waste land

to find love.

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World Building in LIGHT OF THE MOON

A few days ago the wonderful Ash over on Smash Attack Reads posted an article I wrote for her World Building Wednesday series. This article focuses on the world of LIGHT OF THE MOON and why I wrote it the way I did. I thought I'd share a little of that here.

"For LIGHT OF THE MOON I actually reflected on two very different worlds. One that already exists, and one that doesn’t. First, we have the real setting of Lakewood Hollow, Colorado. Although the town itself does not exist, it is based on the life of many smalls towns within the mountain communities of Colorado. Everyone knows everyone. Life moves a bit slower. The world is just a tad darker when it rains. Second, we have the world of the Order, the secret magical community hiding deep within the Rocky Mountains. This world is entirely unreal, and so I made sure to ground it in moments that were. To create the world of the Order and make it believable, I invented legends that allowed for a dark and deep history behind the Order. I’m a firm believer that a thing is much easier to believe when you have a history to look back on. To create a great world, you have to think of it as an entire world!"

What I wanted to do in LIGHT OF THE MOON was this: I wanted to create a world that felt as real as the one we already live in, but I wanted that world to be completely magical. I also wanted to stray away from only describing things, and leave the world investigation to my characters. It's through Calum's eyes that you're introduced to Lakewood Hollow, and it's through Kate's that you first see the magical and dangerous world of the Order.

"Kate is a Warrior, or a protector, for enchanters in the Order, and so she would have lived in their company for years. Because she has such a history with them, Kate was truly a key player in making the world of the Order real to not only Calum, but to the reader as well. She describes past events easily and knows more about the Order than anyone. It is through her eyes that we are introduced to the magic in LIGHT OF THE MOON."

 LIGHT OF THE MOON is a story about dark magic and dangerous curses. It's a story grounded in love as well as the hope that makes love possible. The world of the story provides the backdrop for this all, so I wanted to make sure it was a world filled with secrets and life, enchantments and spells. The world, in fact, is just as magical as the characters themselves.

Check out the full article on Smash Attack Reads HERE. 

LIGHT OF THE MOON IS OUT NOW!

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Barnes&Noble (paperback/Nook)

Remember to LIKE the LIGHT OF THE MOON facebook page to enter exclusive giveaways!

http://www.facebook.com/davidjamesauthor

Hermione vs. Kate: What Makes A Hero?

What makes a hero?

STRENGTH POWER HEART MUSCLES BADGUY WIT BRAINS 

COURAGE SUPERPOWERS DANGEROUS SMARTS FEARLESSNESS 

In so many ways, I'm not sure that a hero can be defined the way so many of us traditionally think of heroes. Still, so many of us think SUPERMAN or THAT MAN WHO SAVED A KID IN A BURNING BUILDING or HARRY POTTER or EDWARD or anyone who has done anything remotely heroic. We confuse "main character" with "hero of the story." So, for today, I wanted to look at what it means to actually be a hero. If our heroes are actually true heroes, or just people who have done nice things. Or, rather, what it means to become a hero. For instance, take this girl:

A girl?

*gasp*

A girl can be a hero? Please don't let Hermione hear you question whether or not she is a strong character worthy of hero status, because I'm sure she could take you down even without her wand. In fact, her strength is one of the reasons I like her so much. Though, the reason I think she is a hero is this: She is a girl who is broken and yet she is not defined by what has broken her, but rather how she has overcome those things. She has seen death, but is not afraid to live. She is smart, but she is humble in the fact that she continues to search for answers. She is powerful, yet she chooses her battles well. She is brave, but she is terrified. She is very much flawed, but doesn't let those flaws define who she is or who she wants to be. That, in my opinion, is the real heroic act here: To be brave is to be afraid. 

Bravery, or heroism, is not the absence of fear. It is not ignoring that you are afraid. It is not even, I think, about proving that you're strong and can take on the world even though you probably could. Being brave, being a hero, is about having the strength to be flawed.

So, in some aspects a hero is not made, but broken. A true hero must be broken. It is within those broken moments that a hero finds his/her strengths. That is what I wanted to focus on with Kate and, in ways, Calum. 

In LIGHT OF THE MOON, we find that Kate is a character who has been broken. She is strong, both mentally and physically, but her past is a bit of a problem. At the beginning of the story we see that she is almost unwilling to submit herself to any kind of emotion because it goes against what she has come to believe strength is. To her, strength is all about being forceful, strong, powerful, right. She is flawed because she is afraid to be weak, and is unwilling to believe that there is a certain strength in showing emotion - that being emotionally vulnerable doesn't always mean you must be weak. She does not understand that one can have emotions without being emotional. To Kate, there is no emotion found in heroism.

And then she meets a boy. Calum.

Calum's character is all about emotional strength. He is thoughtful, and in that he is brave. Like Kate, there are things that have broken him in the past and things that he would rather forget. Unlike Kate, however, he chooses to deal with these things in ways that convey emotion. He is also broken, but in very different ways than Kate. He thinks deeply, and in that he is strong. 

In LIGHT OF THE MOON, I didn't want to have a traditional heroic figure. That's not real life, and not at all realistic. In Calum, I wanted to show how there are strengths in emotions. In Kate, it was more about proving that a girl (much like Hermione) can be just as brave and heroic as a boy. I wanted to show that boys are allowed to have emotions, and girls are allowed to be strong. That we can have emotions without being emotional. That we can be strong without being heartless. That love is not weak, but that you don't have to be helpless to find it. In ways, Calum and Kate are opposites of each other, and so they fit perfectly together without being completely perfect apart. They learn from each other. They grow as the story does and, by the end, are the same characters they started as but very much different.

Mostly, I wanted to show that a hero can be found in anyone, but that a true hero is broken before he/she is made. Truly, maybe a hero is only a hero when they have something to be heroic about. And, in this story, both Calum and Kate are broken and made from love.

LIGHT OF THE MOON

Out Tuesday 11/6/12

Check out exclusive secrets posted only on facebook this week: HERE

On Writing

  An early review of LIGHT OF THE MOON was posted today by the wonderful and hilarious Literati Literature Lovers review team and, while I'm not going to post the full review due to spoilers, I want to talk about a few things the reviewer pointed out in terms of my writing style. I've been wanting to post something about this for a while, mainly because as a reader I enjoy learning about how an author writes, and how their style differs from every other author.

"What I found refreshing was the poems within the story itself. Words crossed out within the context of the poems and the sentences within the story were something I’ve not seen too much of in a book. So it was different. Not odd different, but more of a “Oh that’s kind of cool” different. Throughout the story, as Calum fights his internal battle to be something more than what he is, he crosses out words to underscore certain phrases to emphasize the characters’ feelings. I found it quite heartbreaking at times to see Calum wrestle with his past... From Calum’s scribblings:

I am 

nothing without truth

 someone more than this.

I am someone. 

Am I even alive

?

Who am I?

So in summary, I found the book to be engaging, and I believe that young readers, ages 13 and up, will be thrilled with the world this author has fabricated. I’ll certainly be looking forward to more of this author’s works." - Rozette of the Literati Literature Lovers

  I enjoy writing that focuses on what isn't rather than what is. Writing that decides to tell what might have been instead of what should be. As a reader I like when I read something that is just different from everything else - has a different feel or tone or atmosphere than the last book I read. So, in ways, that's what I attempted with LIGHT OF THE MOON. The review above is just a small example of the ways I used the strikethrough technique to show Calum's inner struggles (similar to Tahereh Mafi's SHATTER ME). And while I only used that technique a few times throughout the novel, the words that weren't helped Calum's inner battle between good and evil, and past and future.

 This technique reflects the way I write. Often, I write without anything in mind, and eventually find myself in a story that wasn't there before. With Calum (and with new stories), I continue to write in a stream of consciousness narrative form. Most days I write without the use of proper grammar, punctuation, or any kind of traditional flow, and I wait to include those elements when I edit. I like this because it helps me understand what the character might be thinking beneath the true storyline, and if I can understand what a character feels at their core - what breaks them and bends them and makes them breathe - then they have an even greater chance of feeling alive to the reader.

  Also, poetry. Or rather, more appropriately, verse.

 Writing in verse, I think, is much different than including poetry in your writing. In ways I've done both, but I focus on verse more. Verse (a style similar to Ellen Hopkins' CRANK or BURNED) has a lot of similarities with the stream of consciousness style of writing, where instead of focusing on a traditional narrative, words just seem to flow and drift where they want. Personally, I like the way verse provides the reader with simple words and simple phrases, but leaves them completely shattered in emotion. Raw. That, I think, is the one thing I enjoy about this style of writing more than anything else - the very raw emotion that is found when words are stripped away until the reader is left with only feelings.

  More on writing later. Getting excited! =)

LIGHT OF THE MOON

out Tuesday

 11/6/12

  

Editing

Say what you will, but line edits are exhausting. Fun like a puzzle and rewarding and exciting once you see the entire thing coming together - and, of course, it's an incredible feeling when you read a passage you wrote that still makes you smile, even after reading it 58 times.

Still, your butt goes numb and it's exhausting.

Hehe.

Makes me laugh.

I'm tired.

Line. Edits. Ugh.

A Change

Today I did something crazy.

I changed the main character's name in my book.

Changed it.

As in destroyed it.

As in this is now a completely different story.

All because of a name.

Write and read or maybe not. Or maybe.

You know how some realizations occur to you multiple times, but you don't really acknowledge them until the sixth time around?

Maybe you don't.

Maybe this is just me being stubborn.

(I'm not stubborn)

Either way, this morning I realized this (again): If I'm writing fantasy, it's difficult for me to read fantasy. Likewise, if I'm writing realistic fiction, it's difficult for me to read realistic fiction. And so on and so on.

I've know this for a while. I even remember telling myself "David. Listen. You should probably realize that your writing habits are so slow right now they're riding on the short bus headed in the wrong direction. Maybe this is because you keep thinking about the book you're reading and how it relates to yours. Maybe you should read something else."

"That is ridiculous," I told myself. "My writing clearly just needs a break. I do not have a problem here. Not a big deal"

(I'm not stubborn)

"You don't think it's a problem that you keep thinking about how the book you're reading doesn't fit into the book you're writing?" I said back to myself.

"Absolutely not," I said.

(Not. Stubborn.)

Myself sighed. "And the fact that you keep visualizing your characters in that other books world is not a problem?"

"Self, you are clearly delusional."

"Right back at ya."

This morning I realized all this again, but finally had the smarts to listen. I keep putting my characters into the books I read. I visualize them in these worlds that are not mine. I force them to interact with other characters that are not mine. I even picture them looking differently from time to time. (Did I just rhyme?) The reason for this is that I keep reading books that are so closely related to what I'm writing, that I confuse the two and mix them. This happens to me especially if I'm reading something that's not so special. You know, reading a book just to read it because it has a pretty cover or a good author or an awesome title that let's you know it has blood and kissing and action and pretty things.

(I'm not stubborn. And I'm not a sucker for marketing.)

So. Where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah.

Don't read what you write. Or do, if that works for you. But it doesn't for me.

Except sometimes when it does.

Voice Diddy

This is a snippet taken from the prequel to a novel I'm working on. The prequel, FALLING FROM GRACE, is about a young girl named Sarah and her family. It details the events prior to (obviously) what happens in the novel, and was a writing exercise for me so I could understand Sarah's character a little better. It's a very early draft so be kind!

*(1) Check out my voice in this diddy. To me, a good chapter is constructed in pieces and then woven together like a quilt - like pieces of the same puzzle. Even though this is a very rough draft of the prequel, you can see how I pulled several pieces of the puzzle together. At the beginning, you can see how Sarah is very much concerned with her mother. She almost looks down on herself because she looks up to her mother so much. Being so young, she needs a mother, though Sarah doesn't understand exactly why. She gets what she needs from her brother, Logan, but even he plants ideas in her head when he reads her the story. I also used very easy and light vocabulary because Sarah is so young.

(2) Even though this is a very early draft and still rough in places, you can see that Sarah is an emotional little girl. Still, she is strong, and I tried to show that when she opened the window at the beginning of this snippet. She wants to face things, like the cold, but at times she doesn't know how. She wants to talk to her mother, to be more for her and for herself, but she doesn't know how to get that chance. As a character, Sarah is trying to figure out who she is, but has no idea how to do so.

*see previous post

_____________________________________________________

I sit up on my bed and turn toward the window. Outside I can see a dusting of snow on the ground.  I know the air will be cold, but for some reason I want to feel it. Quickly, before I think twice, I unlock the window and push it open. A biting breeze blows back my hair. I imagine it looks like fire, red flames billowing out. I can’t help but close my eyes again, but I don’t keep them shut for long. My face feels as though it has a layer of frost on it, so I close the window and the fire dies.

I turn and see the only photo I have in my room, framed in pieces of dead oak, sitting on my nightstand. Everyone is there dressed in red and green; Dad, Mom, Logan, Adam, and me. Even our terrier Bach is in the corner, his head resting on Adam’s lap, drool cascading from his pink tongue. All of us are smiling, so I can’t help but grin.

My eyes find Logan and in a second I forget the picture completely. It’s as though the clouds have parted and the sun beams down on me. This memory of Logan makes me smile. I remember it as if it were today.

....

“Have you seen my black tie?” Dad’s voice is steady, a walking bass line even when he shouts. I find that if I talk at the exactly same time he does, my voice warbles as though I’m speaking in to a fan in the heat of summer.

“Check the second shelf in the closet!” Mom shouts back as she walks into my room. Her lips are painted a deep crimson and her eyes look like two dark secrets. She’s wearing her simple, black symphony dress. The one that looks like she keeps a thousand splendid secrets. “Sarah, does this look okay?”

She twirls. Instantly, her dress becomes waves of black smoke. Tendrils of the fabric deny gravity and then give in as they slowly fall and billow around her legs. Winks of the dress look almost purple, blinking at the light in the room.

I’m six. The only thing I know about fashion is that I can hardly breathe because Mom is so pretty like this.

“You look like a movie star,” I say.

She smiles. “Thanks, little girl,” she says as she touches my chin, and then turns to look in my mirror.

I scoot forward on my bed and hug my knees to my chest. “Are you and Dad going to be all night?”

“We’ll be late,” she says. She reaches for a necklace on my dresser, the silver one she got me after Grandma died. “I’m playing with the Boston Symphony tonight so you know how that goes. We should be back before midnight, but Logan and Adam will be here to get you to bed.”

She turns to face me. Her eyes, green like Adam’s, Logan’s, and mine, sparkle. I hope one day my smile will be as bright as hers.

“Honey, we’re late!” Dad calls from downstairs. “I put your coat and scarf by the door.”  I hear the front door open and close. Outside, an engine grumbles to life.

Mom leans forward and kisses my forehead. “Have a good night, Sarah. Love you.”

“Love you,” I say as she closes my door.

I hear the quick clicks of her shoes as she goes down the stairs, the slam of the front door closing with a wooden bang and the metallic clang of the cars. I hear the sigh of the car as it pulls out of the driveway and leaves me behind.

Minutes pass like hours. I hug my stuffed bear, Valentine, to my chest and open a book Mom left on my bed the night before. My eyebrows slant in and my eyes shrink. Words run across the pages, but I struggle to catch them. I know there’s a story there somewhere, but for now it’s lost.

A knock on my door.

Two short.

One high, one low.

Three as fast as you can.

Logan. He used our secret knock, and I smile because he hasn’t done that in years. I didn’t think he even remembered.

“Come in!” I say, maybe a little too loudly.

The door opens a crack and I see Logan’s dark, curly head of hair poke through it. He squints through his classes and his lips tilt up on one side. “How’s Valentine?”

I look to my bear. “He’s okay. Kinda sad, I guess.”

Logan comes all the way in now. His walk is much like Dad’s, powerful yet subdued in a way that makes me think I never know what will happen next. Logan is tall and lean, filled with a mystery I want so badly to figure out. Or maybe I just want a mystery of my own. 

I wonder if I’ll ever be like that.

Logan sits on my bed, and I rise a few inches from his weight. He smiles wide. His face is riddled with scruff, and his eyes look tired. In this light, just before true dark, he looks older than twenty.

“Why is he sad?” Logan says. He reaches to pat Valentine on the head. “Why are you sad, little Valentine?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess he’s sad because he has to tuck himself in tonight.”

Logan’s smile grows wider, but for some reason his eyes seem much more sad than they were. I don’t ask why.

His voice has grown soft, deep and quiet like the end of something that once was loud. He looks at Valentine. “No you don’t, little bear. I’ll tuck you in tonight.”

He turns to me. “Would it be okay if I read Valentine a story? Just for a little while until he falls asleep.”

I hug Valentine tight. I pretend to whisper in his ear. I know my bear can’t hear or talk, but it will make Logan happy. “I guess. He’d probably like that.”

Logan takes the book I was trying to read, makes himself comfortable next to me so that our heads are side by side, and adjusts Valentine so he is between us.

“Ready, little Valentine?”

I nod.

Logan smiles and begins, “There once was a little boy who never wanted to grow up...”

....

The music stops and is replaced by footsteps. They are a crescendo of staccato beats coming closer. A knock on my door and Mom walks in. Her hair is up in a loose twist with a pencil cutting straight through. There are two flour handprints on her old college shirt.

“Happy birthday, little girl! Your birthday pancakes are almost done so I’m going to get Adam up, okay? Hurry up because you know they’ll be gone if he finds them first.”

She walks to my bed and gives me a quick hug. “You’re getting so big. Pretty soon you won’t need me anymore.”

I smile and hug her back. “I need to put pants on and then I’ll come downstairs.”

She runs a hand through my hair. “Okay.”

When the door closes behind her I am frozen in fear. I can’t imagine a world in which I wouldn’t need my Mom, but she seems to think the time is coming quickly.

I turn to my window and look out, hoping to find a star to wish upon. A north star, like in the story - the second star to the right.

But it’s morning, and so there are no stars.

Time is moving forward and I can’t stop it.

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